“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
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After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
You got this…
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean