“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
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Me: Same.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon