“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.