Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

*weighs self after shaving

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]