I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
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Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.