I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
