I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Just how popey was the pope today?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
