I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….