Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

New Cartoon for Alta magazine