I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview