Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Dietest Coke

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Huge if true.