I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
2022 will be better than 2021
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital