I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Cinematography is my passion
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.