Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

this makes me so uncomfortable