Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Oh. My. God.

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.