I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SĂŤ
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”