Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool