Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

they really wanted me dead for this

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.