I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
You Might Also Like
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
seems fine
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]