I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Good morning
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.