[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both