I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
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I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.