I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
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At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I’m sorry…what?