Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help