I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
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my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
it’s a van. how do they not know this
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000