Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.