I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Did my cat write this
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
fair
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys