Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

seriously you guys

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.