I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Baller is short for ballerina
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
I have never related to a cat more
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law