I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight