I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
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Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?