Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

#SaturdayBears

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

Midwest trash talk

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.