Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it