I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
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i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat