Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.