I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.