Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.