Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

This is sending me to another galaxy

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.