Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

me doing my best

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”