I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
