Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies