I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Sounds like a bargain
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
A decision was made here.
