I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.