Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

Finally, an instrument I can play!

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out