Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…