Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?