I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
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Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
What a website
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.