I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
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Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I have so many questions.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield