I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.