Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since