Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

When libraries troll their patrons.

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”