Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

I’m not stressed

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.