Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Jupiter

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;