Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.