I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
our love story in four pictures
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no