I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
That took me a moment.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order