Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

😂

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*