Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

What

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.