Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

me adding lol on a serious message

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.