I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
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My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
This story is comedy gold 😂
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.