I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
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A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Help
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?