I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
San Francisco has too many rules
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.