I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
