I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
