[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Planet of the Apps.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.