[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again