I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security