@trevso_electric

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

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@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

@AsgardianRose

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

@jenlaw_11

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

@ch000ch

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

@Sanbel11

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

@SortaBad

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

@robdelaney

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

@EmilioEmm

It’s HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It’s the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.