I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
You Might Also Like
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*