Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.