Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

My new favorite headline

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.